ramblings I suppose

Sitting here, thinking about people. life. the bay. more people who come to see. every day experiences in the city Jesus puts us. Making the most out of the place we're given. and then to question the perfectness of it all, to wonder why Jesus? seems a bit rude to take it into our own hands. I am guilty of this question being asked multiple times in a day. :)
People are His, beautiful and created, we are His, purposed for something greater and more beautiful. Not to mope through life wishing we were somewhere else. These conversations we take for granted are but fleeting moments appointed by our Jesus to bring Heaven to earth. Now don't get me wrong this doesn't take away from the fact that our hearts sometimes long for different things, mine just happens to be the bay area. Which i know Jesus will work out. But i suppose what i'm attempting to say is that we are His beautiful children, called by His name to this earth, to love people as He does and from the way of living in complete one ness with Him everything changes and suddenly waking up in the morning to talk to Him because the greatest pleasure. To not take granted of this but savor. We are HIS :) Precious in His sight and heart.

3am and i'm still awake. Wishing that sleep was somewhere in the near future but for some reason i feel as though that's the last thing to happen tonight.
3 days ago i thought for sure i knew exactly what Jesus had in store. was settled to some degree in my heart on the things and plans. The band, the music, the people. Still in my core there was a desperate longing and unsettledness about the plans and the lack of being with people, opportunities to really live life with and see Him in each person's eyes. I can't place what makes me feel the lack of these moments or lifestyle. It seems as though it's become not about everyone else anymore and only about me. this, ugh this is something that makes me want to rip my insides out and get so lost within a city where no one knows me and.., yet where no one knows me doesn't seem to satisfy either. Poop. I feel so selfish with music or where we're at least. Could be my own issue but honestly i am someone who is created, designed to work with people. to love them and be there for them in the midst of it all. I know this band is so much more than just the music because of the conversations we've had. and the ways i believe that Jesus is directing it but somewhere inside of me something longs for more... I know it's right but why when an opportunity to do what i begged Jesus for, for so longs comes along i can't decided which state of longing and unsatifaction, distance from the presence of Jesus i want to live in for the next 4 months. I feel so far from my dear Papa. I don't want to choose one or the other because i feel as though that will suddenly draw me closer to Jesus because my heart longs for people, i want to be where He places no matter how hard, how heart stretching, and how purely selfish it looks. He has something in store. i know this. I want to be romanced by Him again, day to day seems so dry. This city, the one i love, the one i have no control over anymore, the one where memories are fading quickly, this city feels right yet soo soo suffocating. As though if i flew away to a place bigger, where 4 months ago plans where so right i would find a Jesus saturated life yet again. Not to say this current state is not saturated, it is. it's just different. the constant spinning record of lies that the devil is spitting out has grown and some times i can't even begin to hear the things of Jesus because these lies take so much. The feeling of, yes feeling of music, Jesus in the midst of that, the people has become so so corporate, no longer about what one truly enjoys or savors, or where Jesus says to go but so much about what's in and what's stirring some sort of crazy music, creative tapping emotion inside of us. I want to pick option number two simply so that i can find myself again, feel as though i'm hidden from the corporate consuming fire of this. I don't know where the other is at, what her heart feels but this friends and lovers is not what i, ha, me again. shit. All about ideals, what it's supposed to look like, what makes sense, what others will think. What's happened to the girl who didn't give a crap about what the world looked at her as? because 3 or even 4 months ago this girl was ready to pick up and move to goodness knows where because giving everything up in honor and to serve her Jesus was all i wanted. Nothing more, i was not demanding things, simply to live, every second of every moment with Papa. Jesus. the one who saturated me in the beauty of who He is. Frick, I have become the girl who tries to get the guy, the one who goes out of her way to show who she is and then in the midst of that finds that she's lost herself completely at which point the devil has a wonderful hay day. and the cycle continues...
Now, things are clear, almost, so fragile. I think about a person, a show, and the expectation i place on those things, to do what society calls as normal, to meet ideals, play the game career and socially wise if you will... and all i want is to run from it yet something in my core holds on to this hope that our societies ideals has placed inside... all of the what if's. How are we living our lives? constantly consumed by this?
I'm not going to make a publicised threat to the devil here but Papa, you know. Jesus you are stronger and greater than whatever these lies have become. You are sovereign, clearer, stronger, Life, breathed, beauty, hope. Screw it to say that you must find what Jesus has called you to do and then walk in it, screw it to say that life must be set in one path and one motion or that conversations of one's thoughts and hearts strings must concentrate in one place around certain things. Because, If, IF you choose to let it all hang out, throw all your baggage, shit, brokenness, life experiences, words, conversations. all of it on the table and let Jesus curl you up in His arms, like a princess or prince then the world fades away, it's ideals, it's pressures. They still try to scratch yet Jesus is the father who does not come to make your life choices ones of turmoil but ones of joy to discuss with Him and only Him. Even those of physical attraction because honestly He's created us to live as one, with that person who He's purposed. All of it. life. words spoken. written. notes. music. life. people. streets. prostitutes. homeless. runaway. all of it is HIS. maybe not all at once but at one point or another because of the choices you make to be with or without HIM, all of it, them will encounter Jesus at one point or another. and that point could be the crossroads that changes a life, yours or another for forever.

Soup and Coffee

I think that i've come to the place where i 've finally realized that Jesus isn't just going to come and sweep me off to the bay area or any other city for that matter. I'm here, for a season, for a reason and purpose. The music is taking over. People. Loving them different. Loving life different. Realizing that music without life, without Jesus is null and void and will simply give you a high to last through the night and then you will again find yourself begging, searching for the next high. A circle that is empty and lonely without those close to you. But as you begin to find yourself. In the things that bring your heart so much overwhelming joy your hearts cravings change. Music filled with passion, reality, transparency, Jesus breathed caress and passion. will take you to a place where without even having His name mentioned you encounter Jesus himself. Stripped and raw before you. leaving you thinking, quiet, in awe of His beauty. Captivated. Consumed with all aside. Nothing else matters at this point.
Thinking today about the city. the people. and realizing that this is all part of the process. Getting to those places in a different way than i imagined and my heart being so set apart. Loved. Covered. Touched and incredibly romanced by my Jesus. The people are the same, everywhere, encountering problems. struggles. needs of the heart and everywhere Jesus is asking to be displayed through quiet, genuine, love... that's all. LOVE. Music is only one of the ways that Jesus meets those He loves.
So, here i sit, dreaming with my Papa of the places we will go. the people. coffee shops. Conversations. Late nights. all of it. that i can't even begin to put into a box because He's created something so unique and purposed. I sit back, breathe, and thank Him for the conversations that leave my heart at rest with Him. He knows me, loves me, dreams for me. I love Him. Not in the everday use of the word. but in the deepest part. I love Him.

I leave you with this. Live life as though the pressures of society don't exist. cry so that your heart my feel in the deepest. and love. love those close to you. love with your eyes. your heart. the person on the street corner. the girl who hands you, your daily coffee. Speak His truth of love over those around you even if it's under your breath or in actions. No drastic change. Just LOVE.

Ready to have the cramming take place.
To Trust Jesus and watch the beautiful things that He does.
To push yourself to a place where nothing else matters than that one night.... one night after another. Hope displayed. Experience gained.

Soon. Someday. For now. Jesus you've worked it out. Love this moment. this place. No questions. Just enjoy. Papa, You will take care and provide. protect. satisfy. YOU.

Silly Rant

Started the weekend off with a poopy attitude. Annoyed with someone's sudden interest in being twitterpated with people and friends in the new to them music scene. OR maybe it's not them, it's me, frustrated because they're not used to it, to the people, calling those people friends and life and because now, i'm going to have to share. even though sharing isn't an issue, at all... i'm just being dumb. then last night. perfect. wonderful with her. It was right. so right. Call me paranoid but it seems like i'm not getting the whole story. Our times alone are no longer filled with dreaming and laughing and music. Strained almost? gah, what happened to this week? I feel like the break would be necessary if we were actually playing shows or had our music down... idk. maybe i'm just being a dumb girl.... haha yea we should prob. go with that one. :)

alright the silly rant is over. it's going to be fine. music will be accomplished. the devil will not use my lack of sleep and healthy female interaction destroy what Jesus is doing... :)

Fall

it's been awhile since i've written.
SO many things have happened. I've started playing music again. Am starting a new job as Program Staff at the Boys and Girls Club. mmm i'm calling Reality Church home.
sheesh!!!

This season will bring on new and uncharted territory. i can feel it. anxious. curious. Hoping for Jesus' everything to be displayed through my every action and breath. Jesus is doing so much, has laid everything into such a place that i could never have imagined and i feel as though i'm just walking through it, every step in more and more awe of what He's doing... not really absorbing it but more trying to keep the head above water. even though i know He's the only one who has it under control. How could i have asked for such a papa who loves me? who actually cares about me in ways that i couldn't have even dreamed.
music. sheesh. music... it's been an adventure. new. refreshing. something that consumes me. wanting to become a better musician. that's a new one :)
People. new. loving them in a new way. understanding even when in my flesh i can not. watching the love of Jesus overtake and consume. Complete transformation in those who bear burdens beyond their grasp. Those called into beauty by their romancer. their Jesus. mmmm

Thinking about my YC kids lately. having a new love for them. maybe it's the season, or maybe it's something that Jesus is doing. We'll see i suppose.

Keeping back. laying in His arms for every second. breath, experience. laughter filled moment. Joy. truth. reality. organic transparency. New. This ride will never be the same, never be routne, thankful for the constant provision beyond what i could express or imagine. He knows. He cares. loves me :) experiencing that. This adventure, journey, newness is life, sensing the rest of this life to be as the same as this new season. Expression, experience, love, genuine love displayed only by the Jesus Christ is consuming, taking over, clarity brought to full existence...

Fashioned as His clay, my soul longs and waits for the experiences to love through His eyes and only His eyes.

pumpkin spice lattes and such

Enjoying all of the books at Barnes and Noble concerning WoodStock.

Loving the season, the smell of fall, the rain, the smell of a coffee shop on a rainy day :)

mmm fall you're wonderful :) Jesus you're incredible!

A joural of different sorts

I've decided to do something different this year. I'm excited for the many adventures that it's going to hold ( many i'm still unaware of). Thus, i was trying to figure out a journal or something to do that would go through each day of the year. I like the 365 picture idea but it just wasn't for me. i wanted something that told a little bit more.
So here it is. A beautiful new journal from B & N. Each day will contain a verse, quote, story, experience from the day, something i learned, plus a little piece of something that was involved in the day glued to its pages... :)
I'm becoming more and more excited to see what will happen as the year goes on, the unexpected surprises that Jesus will throw in there :) excited to watch this book take character :)

Beautiful

check it


Love, Light, & Melody:

http://lovelightandmelody.org/introduction/

Wishing i could hold them in my arms

With San Fancisco came late night conversations and things that could have never created on my own. Conversations with ladies who were so passionate about people, those destroyed by the world's standards of success. It took a special type of person to fall in love with the people they encountered on a regular day. The little boys laced with fear of guns and gangs, the homeless who's daily joy came from the kind people who fed them soup at night, or the cancer filled body of a woman so desperate to not die alone in a pit of a room. These people, society's lowest are the most incredible. Their stamina to survive, laugh, cry, care about the other people they encounter like them is untouchable.
I couldn't be more grateful to have spent even a short 4 days with the beautiful people in the bay area. I may not be going to back for what i thought or maybe i will? who knows. I know from being there with Him that i won't walk any other way but directly towards His arms of grace. Yes, i have a heart that longs desperately for the beautiful people of the bay but i know my greatest striving is to love people in the place He's got me. I know that seems like a simple concept but when there's a people you fall in love with and you know at some point in your life you will spend time with them, not just visit, everything inside of you conflicts to be back in a place where everyone knows you. I know, i know i will see them again and that in itself makes my heartstrings ring.
Sitting on the floor the second night i was there, talking with the two lovely female city hosts about loving people, the simplicity of looking at people through Jesus glazed eyes, talking about going home to the reality that no one could understand the people we saw and experienced love for, 3 girls, completely transparent and real, expressing struggles and our greatest hearts conflicts and desires. No matter how many times throughout the summer they had to say the same facts about a people or district their heart's bled with compassion for those they knew only Jesus could save. Being in that environment with them, all of us on the same playing field in many ways, being allowed the opportunity to talk and be sincere. I couldn't have asked for a better trip. I wonder what life will be like or where i will stand when i visit or come back to the bay area.
I will serve where ever He calls. I'm excited for the conversations with new friends in Olympia, to love and encourage. Thankful that the curiosity and some of the waiting i had to endure is out of the way. I will gladly sit back and worship with my Jesus. Experience Him and enjoy every second. Fall has officially hit :) i think i'm pretty much gosh darn excited :)

mmm and did i mention i'm enjoying music like never before :) and i'm freaking ok with it? :) haha it think this season is going to be a pretty freaking great one.

hmmm

Tonight was another night of bringing my kids to this new yc except this time they came of their own free will :) something that made me so extremely happy. They're going to be in great hands this year and there is going to be an impact on their lives in a way YC could never have touched. I believe that Jesus is having me hand these beautiful jewels over in sense. So painful yet so beautiful.

I was telling a friend about one of my students tonight, one who owns a special place in my heart and i realized that as i teel these new leaders what to expect they i can only tell them stories about some of these kids, kids that they will never see but i had the incredible honor and privelage of being a part of their lives. They will meet new students, grow comfortable with the street and the kids who call it home. No matter how hard and complicated the situation they're going to work it out by the grace of our Jesus. :)
I love them, in a way i could never describe and am so grateful for the last year. It's crazy to think about how far we've come. I look back and at this time last year had no idea what i signed up for :) i just wanted to love those kids. Burned in my mind will forever be their smiles and the little things like " i love you nicole" when they knew i wasn't happy with them :).. Jesus protect them tonight as they rest their heads, wherever it may be.

i met someone interresting tonight. Someone that left me going 'huh'. Unique, unaffraid, broke through the invisible lines with the kids the first time. I don't quite know what to think but i believe good things will come. Jesus thank you for a new friend tonight.

the city

something about the city that is breath taking beautiful . I can't explain it but it's walls and the Jesus breathed experiences it holds are heart capturing...

i left my heart with an incredible group of people in the bay area, not sure if i'll ever get it back :)

hmmmm

I'm learning to trust, to rest completely on HIS grace and provision, that is sufficient to feed, clothe, and supply an army. Why am i so afraid then? afraid of failure, of loosing who i am.
I realized something today, that no matter the job i apply for this summer or work at, no matter the lack of community help it may produce i will always be someone who was on staff at Living Water or the girl who got the amazing privilege to work at a youth center in Oly. I will always have memories and feel completely at home and rest with a cup of Batdorf in my hand, walking downtown. That's me, i may be in new places, go through new experiences but i will always have started there. :) Thank you Jesus for the clarity that You've provided in the midst of it all. That even though my heart faints You pick me up and carry me, You show me things in the unknown that i could never have imagined or dreamnt of on my own.

I will say this though, i can not wait to drive back to Oly. to be back within it's city limits. To drink some heavenly Batdorf, have some great coffee conversations, and maybe hit alki on a late night drive. It's going to be glorious! :)

TODAY

today.

today my dad, without being asked, belted. into a prayer over my protection and a job for me... interrupted in the middle of a conversation to pray :) something is happening.

today, i had an amazing talk with a great lady at a Temp. agency. She felt that she had some possible jobs for me :) feeling such peace about the place that He will provide of work. Excited to bring His joy into any work situation.

today, i will turn in an application at a faith based drug rehab center Redding. I don't know what to expect or what the purpose may be. A whole new place, new people, harder people. It's obvious i'm not on Oly. anymore :)

today, i ate ice cream for lunch :) win!

I'm honored to be here with my Creator, to be set apart, refreshed, refined in the fire to only see His perfect purpose on the other side. that my heart, mind, soul may be so consumed, intertwined, and threaded by Him. Jesus i love you

who ever said it was fun to go on an unchartered adventure??? oooo pick me!!! :)

I thought I had a great way of starting my thoughts tonight.. haha and i get here, to this place and all i want i desire is to do sleep... One of my dear friends, Kecia has been wanting me to describe this new place that i'm in. The people, the surroundings, and honestly... i got nothin, no exciting stories, no crazy adventures, no crazy homeless stories. Just me, Jesus, a Spirit filled church, some amazing room mates, and a city... that seems to have no other person with their septum pierced and a large amount of older people who stare at is as if it had blinking red lights on the balls of my ring. :) haha ok maybe a little bit of exaggeration there :)
things are good, life is wonderful... hard to grasp sometimes, to realize that i'm in this place, completely broke with nothing more than a calling of Jesus saying that He would take care of me, and His provision has been more than i could as for already. He knows my need and my every heart's desire and craving and i believe that this summer there's going to be more to it than just working and scraping by. Believe that there's something truly extraordinary around the corner, the presents and surprises that my Jesus is throwing my way every new day, every new minute :)

Honestly, I hated it here the first few days and wanted nothing more than to get back into my car and drive to the safety of my adopted parent's house :) Something kept me here, and something will continue that constant battle to keep me grounded :) I'm not going to give in to the lies of the enemy, my God is bigger and stronger. More sufficient than the greatest job and life. I admit i don't always completely trust in it. But His grace is more than an ocean that gobbles me up in it. a warm blanket surrounds me and pulls me out of the ruins. There's got to be more to it than this? what's under the surface of this city that is so desperately in need of a Savior?
so all of that to say, i'm good. life will continue as normal. i have an interview tomorrow! praise Jesus. i believe He will provide :) please pray if you get the chance.... I am going to be spending my share of time in Ashland over this week and weekend! woo hooo! can not wait!! i miss all of my Washington family. more than anything. but look forward to praying for you each day, remembering the great times we've had, and the excited to tell you all our Jesus has done as the days go by! thank you for believing in me and sending me forth! I love you so very very much!

Here's a little something to leave you with tonight... i believe that Jesus is going to really start speaking to each of our hearts in a new way! so get ready!!! :

Where can I go Precious Lord
Courageous Savior?
Where all else fades away, the desperate cries of a nation broken, lost, and burning with an unquenchable fire and question of truth.

Jesus, do You see the broken?
the motherless child who craves attention from every boy she encounters?

By Your perfection, Your graphic, soul scraping display of affections towards us, Your imperfection laden children are perfected. Stripped of the generic, constricting, plastic bubble the world has created for our bodies.

Because Your blood stained sacrifice and perfection You have given less fortunate hope. Future. The freedom and complete Jesus breathed empowerment to dream, to walk through those dreams here on earth. Dreams of Justice. Life. where society rebukes the unwed mother. Love for those who experience nothing but a corrupted version of hope and sacrifice.

That every person will experience and be able to express the unexplainable extravagance of our white clothed bride.

----Good night folks. May Jesus rest on you and your household tonight... Expect the unexplainable :) and don't forget, Our Savior deserves all of the glory!

"Nicole are you pregnant?!" -devyn-

It's crazy to think that this season that i am currently in will be coming to a close very very shortly. That the memories, the laughter, tough conversations, the kids, music. All of it will be a part of my past. It's so bazaar to think that the YC existed and for 10 months it's what we all lived and breathed. the 14 hour days filled with paper work, meetings, conversations, trips to the ER and so on was something that i lived. The kids are real, i see them, the building is still there, carpet and paint on the walls.... all of it seems so long ago, so distant that i could never touch it again. As though that person who was so passionate about those kids is gone and when i look at pictures i don't even know myself. I don't know if i like it, if i'm ok with it.
I miss them. so much. It seems as though i've been saying that a lot lately but i do. I know that when life is shaken up and there's change coming our human tendency is to grab on to things that we truly loved and were stable.
About a week ago i was sitting in a living room with a newer friend. we were talking about homeless and the YC was brought up. I was sitting there, feeling sorry for myself that it had been shut down and then i remembered how much i wanted to share their stories. Wanted people to know the kids as i do, to know their beauty. People see kids who are making poor choices and judge without even stopping to consider the circumstances that put them there. I have failed my kids, i didn't keep up with them, didn't pursue them when the center shrunk. But i do know without a doubt that Jesus is with them, protecting them, guiding their decisions, loving them. To know that puts my heart at rest, to see the pictures of months past and rest in the promise that Jesus said He's got it from here. :)

new seasons, new conversations and journeys. it's a bit scary, the unknown, i feel as though i've taken 10 steps backwards, no home, no permanent job, but a promise from you saying You'll take care of me. Daddy, nothing better than resting curled up in your warm, extravagant, loving arms. Thank you in advance for the miracles that You're going to work and how the path is being laid. I love you more than words can say. Thank you my precious Jesus.

as a new season comes

hmmm i sit here and think about the kids that i used to have. the high school students who craved nothing more than a place to be themselves, a support system that genuinely loved them and believed in them. For a season, this was the YC, for all of us it was a season that we could not put a price on, that we will never have back and will never fully understand the impact that was made. As staff each one of us chose to give up things to see these kids lives changed and now ,we each are going seperate ways, being pulled from olympia, and learning more and having Jesus' complete blessing poured over us. Each being given the desires of our heart's. New, exciting, challenging, and refreshing. It's crazy to think back on those 10 or so months that were filled with tears, stress, and the constant of days draining into days without a breath. ahh the nights spent in the ER with the students that are burned into my heart or the days of laughter and hugs in Seattle. I will never forget the beauty of what happened in a little youth center in downtown Oly....

It's weird to think that it was ever a part of our lives. that it ever had anything to do with who i am now. haha but it had so much, it shaped me into the bold, strong/ weak person that i am today. taught me so much. Shaped every one of us as leaders, showed us passion and the raw love of Jesus Christ.

Though it may not be a part of me now, may not be where i'm working. it will always be a huge part of me. I may never do anything like it again, but Jesus, my precious Daddy, i will forever be grateful for where You've put me, the places and people that i've encountered over the last year. It's been a season that will forever remain driven into my soul.

Hurting

Why do we choose to put musicians, actors, great speakers, etc. up on such a high place? why do we choose to make them out to be above all other society? Choose to idolize them, act dumb when we're around them, act as though we've never seen another human being with skin.
They are people, people who have stories. They've been through shit, survived the waves that life has thrown at them. They have a story waiting to be told, they have experienced crap, been through parent's divorce, had their heart broken, dealt with drug problems. Each of them is a person, screaming to be acknowledged as that.

Us "normal" people crave relationship, crave friendship and having a family whether friends or blood. These "famous" people crave the same... why the hell do you think they have drug problems? because they're alone, miserable, and craving people, craving relationships with "normal" people. In reality we're the ones who screw over those poor people. We isolate them and choose to not treat them as people. It's really our fault that they're screwed up... what the hell are we doing? messing with people's hearts and emotions and not treating them as a normal human being... we need to learn how to be normal, how to become real and not care about social titles. They're slowly destroying our worth as people and our society. It's taking away any originality any last ounce of personality and squishing it to the floor. The "famous" loose themselves to be what society is craving, conforming and desiring to sell more and more to the world.... Really? what the hell are we doing to our culture? to the next generation that is going to have to deal with finding themselves and having absolutely no way of finding originality. They will be taught to conform, taught to seek what is "in" or what the person you admire is.

Be real. Be original.Be yourself. Don't let anyone tell you different. Love your skin, the one that you were created to be in. Walk in the giftings, the calling, He's placed inside of us, called forth through all of us, giftings created unique to each person. USE them, walk more confident and strong than you could have ever imagined in them, that's when you'll find true happiness, true joy and satisfaction. You can stand in a group of people and know that no matter how drunk they all are, no matter how horrible a situation, no matter the person's social status you are you and you're walking strong and confident in WHO YOU WERE CREATED TO BE... This will bring a smile to your face and your heart will be satisfied for the first time in your life.

abstract

There's something about taking yourself out of a place of comfort to a place where nothing is the norm. New people, new conversations, different adventures. You view yourself differently, you think about your life as you watch people living their dream. It made me think about my dreams, about my desires.... the things that make me truly excited that make me long for change, the conversations that i desire to have.... Helped me realize who i really am, why i love, why i bother dreaming and living in the moment, in every second for Him. Gosh dang it... It makes me wonder. Makes me question and think about the choices that we make.
You meet people with the same interests, same desires, people who make your heart go crazy, have conversations that make you wonder about what happiness could really be. It's all the unknown. Part of this crazy ride that we call life. A life that's nothing more than living for Him, that's nothing more than being sold out. people will come in and out of your life, but it's the matter of staying so strong and so true to who He's created you to be that the person, the right person that makes your heart go crazy, that person will fall in line with your path.
I genuinely love who i am, who i am becoming. crave to be desired, crave to be pouring out and encouraging, crave to give hugs, and laugh, a laugh that sets my soul on fire. Crave conversation. I know it will come. in due time, that He will not let one of my heart's desires go unbreathed. I will sleep head on the pillow, the mind full of hopes and dreams, wishing that this weekend wasn't just a good time, wasn't just a dream, if it was i will rest well in a few weeks, with the mind at easy with the new friends and conversations that were made...
Thank you my precious Jesus for this life, for the place. a place that i could never have dreamed of or ever imagined encountered on my own. I'm in love with HIM, who YOU. take my steps, Organize my steps, my thoughts, my breaths, desires, and dreams. Let them take your flight and your control like never before. Daddy, thank you for this ride... TO you i am so grateful.
good night. may your dreams take you to a place of hope and purpose.

"we go older but we're still young"

So after a random trip to California and then Idaho the next weekend, i find myself here. Home for the first night in a long while. All i crave is to be back out on the road again. To be traveling, laughing, living with people who are crazy but genuine. This is a road that i could never ever have ever dreamed or imagined for. A group of friends who go for it, live a dream without any question, a future job that lets me do what i was trained and born for, and a summer/ a season that is created to make memories, to go forth in the person i was created to be... So here it comes, a life that is nothing but living moment by moment with Him, created to love and live. To be real, experience life. haha i don't think that it's even set in yet that we were all in Cali together :)

i've learned a lot about myself. my desires heart's desires to do ministry different. to be set apart in my actions and in my convictions. I'm not willing to conform, don't want the sterile lifestyle, but want to be there, in the pit, pouring out the love that He has given me.

i couldn't have asked for life to be better. People think that the choice to go to Cali with Ashton and the boys was out of order and then to come back with my septum pierced... that i've gone off the deep end, am choosing to live a double life. haha but really.. honestly... this is where i'm supposed to be. This is my declaration that i'm not going to destroy the love and connection that i have with my Jesus.. i'm not willing to throw that on the line for this... He's placed me here, blessed me with these people and all i can seem to do is crave to be around them. To laugh, experience, stay up till insane hours, drive at even worse hours, to be real, and be alive...
thank you Jesus for this future. for this life. You are my everything. My life source that i take every perfect breath from. Jesus thank you for the past few months.. nothing compares... nothing beats it... here we come summer! the power in His name, the power to speak truth in the darkest places is real. Don't underestimate it, don't doubt it, He's going to provide NO MATTER WHAT... TRUST His promises....sing at the top of your lungs, dance like there's no one looking, savor ever moment... BE HIS. Be real and who you were created to be. We only have one life to live. So go for it and DREAM BIG.
Daddy, thank you for everything!!!!!!!!!!! your baby girl loves you! :)

little ones

what a season, one that i will never ever forget... Jesus i know that you are eternally faithful, that you won't let one of those babies go without food in their belly or clothes on their back... I was just lucky enough to see that happen over the past months. How precious they are to your heart sweet Jesus. In every struggle you wrap your protective arms around them and carry them, they don't know it, don't see it yet but at every party, at every abusive night at home you're there. crying in the corner with them, You're holding their hair back for them as they loose themselves in the pain... I am just one person but you are eternal, ever lasting, ever faithful, every place, every second.

Jesus, i long to tell their stories, long for people to hear them, the stories of abuse, neglect, and constant pain. Want everyone around to know that His little babies are out there throwing their lives away because the pain and hurt is to much. I love these little ones more than i ever thought possible... in them i've found the heart of Jesus, loving, crying, desperately pleading for their little hearts to be His...

Daddy, i'm so thankful for them, for their innocence, for their raw passion and desire to find love... I beg you for a touch, a miracle on their lives, something that in the last moments they see the raw, genuine love of their one and only Savior, Jesus Christ.... Bring them home to you, to the place where they're complete. Where hippie love no longer satisfies, the travel, the searching, every part of their so called freedom is suddenly not enough... May they crave you with every part of their soul. I know it's possible, know that their hearts can be made complete... You're going to do it, no question. Satisfy them, be their EVERYTHING. pursue them, cover them, as they travel, as they love, as they seek a place to call home... Be with them...

thank you for the opportunity to hear their stories, to be a part of their lives.... I'm different because of it... Precious, dear one... there's nothing that will ever compare to you...

I LOVE YOU more than words can say...

where is their hope?

so here i sit... yet another late night, the stack of work sitting next to me and the book on the other side that i would like to be reading... yet i find myself in another world ;) something far from the task lists and the busyness... i got the amazing opportunity to talk with one of my good friends tonight. To tell here some of the stories the night brought, i guess this is why i find myself here, my heart touched with so much adoration and love for them... these kids, despite the hell that they have been through, the poor choices that they've made, they still pull my heart strings. I wish i could tell their stories to the big CEO's of Microsoft and other companies, wish that people in every state could know about these kids who live in a broken world. They are real, they love, they hate, they beg for attention, but when it all comes down to it, their real people. Sure they've been through a lot but they deserve something real just like the next person. They deserve someone to really pay attention to them. to curl up with them and watch a movie, a parent who isn't going to say, " Hey let's go get drunk together..."
I'm so blessed to have the amazing opportunity to be a part of their lives... It's an amazing opportunity that not many people will get to experience. Getting to love the ones that are close to my Daddy's heart.... the Devyn's and Mia's the ones who crave something more and real in their life. the ones who pierce their lips in the sbucks bathroom, or the boy who chooses to hurt others because he is dying inside... Ahh i couldn't imagine life without this little family God's created for us. They each bring their own flavor to our center, to say the least :) I guess this is all to say that i am so absolutely blessed to have the opportunity to with these kids and staff.. Love the conversations, cherish them, cherish the people... ah i can't even put into words how much i love them, care about them... am crying as i type becaucse i think of the endurance they have, the brokeness that never stops growing... yet, there they are with a great big hug, sometimes angry words :)they always come back, they know there's hope within our doors. i think that they all know deep down inside somewhere, there's more to life, more to reality.

haha to marvel at your beauty.. the things that you place before us like never before. the target card that suddenly has 10 extra dollars on it or the salaries that start to come through for a few more months even though money is no where to be found... Jesus, there's nothing more wonderful, real, satisfying than being near to you. Having you rap your arms around me and tell me to not worry, to walk faithfully without question, to trust you, more than before. You call me to that higher standard, i kick and scream in the spur of the moment... haha sometimes more than you really do want... but you always are there, never failing, even in the things where i wonder where the hope will break through.. and there you are, laughing at me and asking why on earth didn't i really choose to walk your way.. :) thank you for always being there for me, walking me through all of the crazy desires and adventures.. You're more than i could ever have imagined. I will say that 3 years ago i didn't know what you had in store, no idea why you would cause something like that to happen but now Jesus, i'm so grateful for you rescuing me out of the crap. for taking care of me and holding my hair in the down and out moments... You're real, perfect, caring. i love you. i mean that in the most precious, still, adoring way.. i love you. thank you for being near, for never leaving. Cover our kids tonight. Protect and be near to them... Love them.