Chicago! holy cow the last few days have been crazy... crazy! So much info, so much life, so much to do and learn. The experiences, the emotions, how people function and live life in this city makes my head spin in the moment.
It's felt like a battle to keep the things that i've known were true, the quiet moments are filled with simply trying to keep the head above water, trying to sift through emotions, life. trying to let go of so many things that i left back in Seattle, people, music, life :) well you know what i mean... i know i'm being sappy. But it's crazy! being here with people i met for the first time and then am expected to dive into life with them. Something that i should love, and i do love but i do miss conversations or the option to jump in the car and go grab coffee :)
This place needs so much love. So much Jesus. I'm letting go. giving up my heart's desires, my cravings because somewhere in the deepest part of me i know this is right.... I love my Jesus... I don't know. Tonight, working through Prayer Tour things, giving directions, explaining, rehearsing, all of it is putting me on my face with Jesus. Forcing me to let me go of my strong grip. I wonder why i can't seem to let go, even though i know i let go. I remember standing there and Jesus asking me too...
OH good grief! i can't believe that i've even given it the time of day... Nicole get over yourself .
I'm here. Here for a reason and wouldn't have it any other way.
Learning how to adjust. :) with nothing else to hold onto expect my Papa. It's beautiful here, the people are a blessing, growing...Daddy. I love You.
thank you for chicago, for bringing me here, for the past memories, the late nights, music, life, laughing. I can't wait to see what is to come. :)
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
"I need you more than the air i breathe,
more than the song i sing,
more than the next heart beat."
Time spent in life with Jesus is more than most of my dreams could ever bring about. life with Him is divine, stretching, filled with extremes, and time where He is show in His beautiful greatness. Something significant comes from every second. every moment. every encounter. because there are no mishaps with Jesus, only presents to His precious children that some how run together to construct this crazy intertwined thing we call our lives.
I could try to wear so many hats, could rise into the stressed- driven- generic minded person i was or i could stay in the person who i am after months of shaping and stripping through the crap. His precious daughter who despite the overwhelming fear at times, knows in her heart's deepest part that Jesus loves her as His most prized possession. I'm weary, i'm tired, i love, i am loved, i'm cherished, i cherish, my heart's core is resting in His precious hands. The life of the past few months has been more than words can say. sacrifice. life. people. Jesus. more and more. all leads to the precious moments, seconds in time where nothing else matters except the conversation your having with your Papa.
I'm weak, i'm scared, i'm ready, excited in my heart's deepest core to know that next week i will find myself on a plane, just me and Jesus walking in every second. Jesus. What a sweet and precious name. I used to think that it was important to try to be something for someone, to allow them to encounter Jesus in and through you, to be up on the right music in order to relate, or be knowledgeable in the latest movement in the world of social justice but honestly all of it makes me sick in this second. To be so curled up in His arms is it. In that, my heart adores someone, cherishes a friendship more than i could tell you, i'm blessed and honored. Each conversation is new, each day is one that Jesus has planned out, rest, peace, sanity is lost, sanity is gained. The heart's battle is not won in the times where we pull ourselves together but Jesus' joy and victory comes when He sees us desperate fighting to be near to His heart, in the loss of sanity moments where we feel as though we're drowning He's marveling because we love Him enough, crave Him enough to scream and kick to not be sucked under.
Jesus.... mmmm Jesus. Tonight. Tonight i will rest in Your arms, not thinking about what's to come, not wondering or caring about when the next conversation will come, but knowing each second was a gift, a blessing, an honor and You Jesus are the Papa who loves me, who sat through it with me, who loves me.
more than the song i sing,
more than the next heart beat."
Time spent in life with Jesus is more than most of my dreams could ever bring about. life with Him is divine, stretching, filled with extremes, and time where He is show in His beautiful greatness. Something significant comes from every second. every moment. every encounter. because there are no mishaps with Jesus, only presents to His precious children that some how run together to construct this crazy intertwined thing we call our lives.
I could try to wear so many hats, could rise into the stressed- driven- generic minded person i was or i could stay in the person who i am after months of shaping and stripping through the crap. His precious daughter who despite the overwhelming fear at times, knows in her heart's deepest part that Jesus loves her as His most prized possession. I'm weary, i'm tired, i love, i am loved, i'm cherished, i cherish, my heart's core is resting in His precious hands. The life of the past few months has been more than words can say. sacrifice. life. people. Jesus. more and more. all leads to the precious moments, seconds in time where nothing else matters except the conversation your having with your Papa.
I'm weak, i'm scared, i'm ready, excited in my heart's deepest core to know that next week i will find myself on a plane, just me and Jesus walking in every second. Jesus. What a sweet and precious name. I used to think that it was important to try to be something for someone, to allow them to encounter Jesus in and through you, to be up on the right music in order to relate, or be knowledgeable in the latest movement in the world of social justice but honestly all of it makes me sick in this second. To be so curled up in His arms is it. In that, my heart adores someone, cherishes a friendship more than i could tell you, i'm blessed and honored. Each conversation is new, each day is one that Jesus has planned out, rest, peace, sanity is lost, sanity is gained. The heart's battle is not won in the times where we pull ourselves together but Jesus' joy and victory comes when He sees us desperate fighting to be near to His heart, in the loss of sanity moments where we feel as though we're drowning He's marveling because we love Him enough, crave Him enough to scream and kick to not be sucked under.
Jesus.... mmmm Jesus. Tonight. Tonight i will rest in Your arms, not thinking about what's to come, not wondering or caring about when the next conversation will come, but knowing each second was a gift, a blessing, an honor and You Jesus are the Papa who loves me, who sat through it with me, who loves me.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
... I love you...
I sat across from a girl today who recently found out she was pregnant. 18, raised herself and little her brother, wants to be a lawyer, has her tongue pierced, likes to drink frilly coffee drinks, and doesn't know what it's like to experience love in its purest form. Her heart has longed for something deeper than the mother who sees quality time spent with her child as buying a case of beer and allowing her 16 year old daughter to get drunk with her. Miss Mia, so scared and miserable yet still, STILL she fights. She'll raise this kid, go to school, manage a job, and fight with everything inside of her to keep from breaking and loosing the battle.
I've watched her admit to the truths about her abusive step - dad to a group of CPS workers. Told things about her mother; the incompetence, the beatings, the constant fear. Revealed the unbearable truths yet at the last minute she was willing to take them all back because she wanted to protect her mother, her biggest conern? How her mother would live without her help..... even after her mother was willing to say that if she had a choice she would take the abusive husband over Mia. Her own flesh and blood, a beautiful 16 year old girl, Her daughter...
I don't know that i've know more of a fighter than Mia. In the moments where a girl her age should be the weakest she is the strongest. No one but her to hold her up in the miserable moments. guy after guy she claimed it was true love, that this one was really going to be good to her, that he deserved to have mia in his arms at the end of night. Every one left her more unsatisfied than the next.
Now there's this man, kid, who is the father to this beautiful girl's baby. A child, when she needs a man, a man who's not going to hit her, who's going to love her, lead her, carry her.
Even after the ER, the talks with CPS, the calls to police to have her step dad arrested, hurtful word after hurtful word i've never felt Mia afraid, never felt her empty and scared yet today; today i felt this girl's fear so strong it could have taken over a nation. The words she said were strong, "i will raise this kid by myself if i have to so that this kid doesn't know the life i had." There was no working through an action plan, just fear today, letting her be 18 and scared. It's killing her inside, breaking her. Jesus, i know there's no pleading to happen, what's done is done and now the task at hand is standing by her and letting her cry. It seems as though she's standing out on a cliff holding up her world by herself.
my hands are tied. I love her. love her so much. tonight, may she rest in the blood of an everlasting Jesus.
I've watched her admit to the truths about her abusive step - dad to a group of CPS workers. Told things about her mother; the incompetence, the beatings, the constant fear. Revealed the unbearable truths yet at the last minute she was willing to take them all back because she wanted to protect her mother, her biggest conern? How her mother would live without her help..... even after her mother was willing to say that if she had a choice she would take the abusive husband over Mia. Her own flesh and blood, a beautiful 16 year old girl, Her daughter...
I don't know that i've know more of a fighter than Mia. In the moments where a girl her age should be the weakest she is the strongest. No one but her to hold her up in the miserable moments. guy after guy she claimed it was true love, that this one was really going to be good to her, that he deserved to have mia in his arms at the end of night. Every one left her more unsatisfied than the next.
Now there's this man, kid, who is the father to this beautiful girl's baby. A child, when she needs a man, a man who's not going to hit her, who's going to love her, lead her, carry her.
Even after the ER, the talks with CPS, the calls to police to have her step dad arrested, hurtful word after hurtful word i've never felt Mia afraid, never felt her empty and scared yet today; today i felt this girl's fear so strong it could have taken over a nation. The words she said were strong, "i will raise this kid by myself if i have to so that this kid doesn't know the life i had." There was no working through an action plan, just fear today, letting her be 18 and scared. It's killing her inside, breaking her. Jesus, i know there's no pleading to happen, what's done is done and now the task at hand is standing by her and letting her cry. It seems as though she's standing out on a cliff holding up her world by herself.
my hands are tied. I love her. love her so much. tonight, may she rest in the blood of an everlasting Jesus.
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