New blog....
Seameetscity@wordpress.com
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
My roommate leaves in a day and half.... pure stupidness. :)
I've looked at the pictures we've taken over the past month - ish and it makes me realize how much i will miss this woman. She has been inspiring, encouraging, and a pure example of the love of Jesus. In the most desperate moments for something to satisfy she was there, a conversation that left my soul satisfied in many ways. Jesus knew what i was going to need this spring and it was a beautiful lady from Mississippi. This last week has been a cherished one. One of dream sharing, laughing, and serving alongside each other. Simply being in community, living life together.
To think of this season of a passing one, there will never be another like it. This is good, right. Sitting here and thinking about how much we've grown, changed, heard our Papa's heartbeat. We've let go of things, let go of life, what we thought we were going to do in the future, what life was going to look life, it was a stripping season in many ways. painful yes, incredible yes.
I wonder what is to come. the moments. the exhausting days of hosting. Trip home. Who i will talk to and what Jesus will orchestrate. I'm almost scared to go home and really see. to see what is to come. i don't want to speak things, don't want to simply go because it's what seems like common sense, i want it to be right. I want to love, to sit and rest at peace, to not just go home so that i can tell the "crazy" stories. .... ok sorry bunny trail
Why is my roommate moving to Nashville? please tell me why?
I've looked at the pictures we've taken over the past month - ish and it makes me realize how much i will miss this woman. She has been inspiring, encouraging, and a pure example of the love of Jesus. In the most desperate moments for something to satisfy she was there, a conversation that left my soul satisfied in many ways. Jesus knew what i was going to need this spring and it was a beautiful lady from Mississippi. This last week has been a cherished one. One of dream sharing, laughing, and serving alongside each other. Simply being in community, living life together.
To think of this season of a passing one, there will never be another like it. This is good, right. Sitting here and thinking about how much we've grown, changed, heard our Papa's heartbeat. We've let go of things, let go of life, what we thought we were going to do in the future, what life was going to look life, it was a stripping season in many ways. painful yes, incredible yes.
I wonder what is to come. the moments. the exhausting days of hosting. Trip home. Who i will talk to and what Jesus will orchestrate. I'm almost scared to go home and really see. to see what is to come. i don't want to speak things, don't want to simply go because it's what seems like common sense, i want it to be right. I want to love, to sit and rest at peace, to not just go home so that i can tell the "crazy" stories. .... ok sorry bunny trail
Why is my roommate moving to Nashville? please tell me why?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I despise going through the motions. Saying things that i've said about a gillion times and watching it affect people. Seeing the same incredible ministry sites with the same people walking through the constant pattern of poverty and misery every day, some declining as the days go on, others getting jobs and putting their lives back together. It's hard to say who will do this or if more than one here and there will actually make it out, so the pattern continues...
A few nights ago a good friend of mine played her first show with her band. Jesus and i had to work through some things, my own frustrations with being here, without some people i cherish, without music, only seeing the broken parts of this city. People fighting but fighting for something different. I was pouting, missing people with piercings, skinny jeans, and the desire to unite for this crazy thing called music (haha silly and pathetic i know.). I was wonderfully reminded by Him that He is soverign, He brought me here, He's allowed me to see people, to have conversations, to be broken, to cherish. ouch. How could i be so incredible selfish and territorial of people who are His, Those people are friends, are people i love because of Jesus and only Jesus. I need to let go, let the death grip i have on a life back in Washington be loosed. I love the homeless, i love the poor and left out; but man do i love the hipsters, the kids who hit up shows every chance they get, the musicians who tour, love the dreamers, the artists. I can't explain it but i cherish the conversations, the moments to encounter Jesus with them, the late night coffee conversations and uniting over the love for this one thing. I'm craving it, the dreamers who do what they love because it's who they are and they can't imagine anything different.
This city has so much of both. so much of the broken but so much of the people who are broken in a different way. Chicago you're growing on me. I want things, long to have conversations with people i love, miss crazy road trips with cherished friends, want those coffee conversations that Jesus has allowed me to love. But most of all. I want Jesus, to be so close to His heart that nothing else matters. That His heartbeat is the only thing i hear, what i wake up to and the last thing i hear before i sleep. To see people as He sees them. It's scary sometimes to wonder what is next but to have a negative attitude about being here, counting down seconds till i get to go home would not be all that Jesus has.... and He's let me know how stupid those thoughts really are... Jesus gave me those friends, those times and He's not just going to rip people He's allowed for me to be with away from me just because.
I adore every second of being here. The people. the life. It's right, It's good, and healthy. ahhh man, i cherish this time. What Jesus is doing in the moments, even the times when i feel as though i want to pack up and leave. Every second, this is life, lets cherish it. savor every minute that we are given because HE loves us, He doesn't care about anything else but us and the life we are living with Him.
A few nights ago a good friend of mine played her first show with her band. Jesus and i had to work through some things, my own frustrations with being here, without some people i cherish, without music, only seeing the broken parts of this city. People fighting but fighting for something different. I was pouting, missing people with piercings, skinny jeans, and the desire to unite for this crazy thing called music (haha silly and pathetic i know.). I was wonderfully reminded by Him that He is soverign, He brought me here, He's allowed me to see people, to have conversations, to be broken, to cherish. ouch. How could i be so incredible selfish and territorial of people who are His, Those people are friends, are people i love because of Jesus and only Jesus. I need to let go, let the death grip i have on a life back in Washington be loosed. I love the homeless, i love the poor and left out; but man do i love the hipsters, the kids who hit up shows every chance they get, the musicians who tour, love the dreamers, the artists. I can't explain it but i cherish the conversations, the moments to encounter Jesus with them, the late night coffee conversations and uniting over the love for this one thing. I'm craving it, the dreamers who do what they love because it's who they are and they can't imagine anything different.
This city has so much of both. so much of the broken but so much of the people who are broken in a different way. Chicago you're growing on me. I want things, long to have conversations with people i love, miss crazy road trips with cherished friends, want those coffee conversations that Jesus has allowed me to love. But most of all. I want Jesus, to be so close to His heart that nothing else matters. That His heartbeat is the only thing i hear, what i wake up to and the last thing i hear before i sleep. To see people as He sees them. It's scary sometimes to wonder what is next but to have a negative attitude about being here, counting down seconds till i get to go home would not be all that Jesus has.... and He's let me know how stupid those thoughts really are... Jesus gave me those friends, those times and He's not just going to rip people He's allowed for me to be with away from me just because.
I adore every second of being here. The people. the life. It's right, It's good, and healthy. ahhh man, i cherish this time. What Jesus is doing in the moments, even the times when i feel as though i want to pack up and leave. Every second, this is life, lets cherish it. savor every minute that we are given because HE loves us, He doesn't care about anything else but us and the life we are living with Him.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The conversations. The people. The city that chooses to push out people simply because of a skin color. This place where to be identified as "homosexual" means displacement to a neighborhood where you can live your lifestyle - in peace. Where men can sell themselves on the street to keep their addiction running hard. People. Homeless. Not Homeless. Every one needing something. Needing to be noticed. Yet no one to notice.
I was sitting in a restaurant the other day and one of the men i see on a regular basis at a homeless shelter in that neighborhood walked by. There was a look of longing in his eyes and at that moment i realized that it wasn't just longing to be noticed or for food but it was longing for family. A family to laugh with, to go out to eat. To play with grand kids. That sense of belonging. The hope that comes with friends. The joy. It wasn't a need for a meal anymore it was a need for joy and life...
The drug addict in the poorest neighbor hood is as in need of this joy and life as much as the stuffy businessman who sits at home. alone. with his drink every night. Different surroundings yet all people. everyone of them - us. People. needed: Jesus love. To let compassion and love overwhelming. Love in its purest form. Hope.
I was sitting in a restaurant the other day and one of the men i see on a regular basis at a homeless shelter in that neighborhood walked by. There was a look of longing in his eyes and at that moment i realized that it wasn't just longing to be noticed or for food but it was longing for family. A family to laugh with, to go out to eat. To play with grand kids. That sense of belonging. The hope that comes with friends. The joy. It wasn't a need for a meal anymore it was a need for joy and life...
The drug addict in the poorest neighbor hood is as in need of this joy and life as much as the stuffy businessman who sits at home. alone. with his drink every night. Different surroundings yet all people. everyone of them - us. People. needed: Jesus love. To let compassion and love overwhelming. Love in its purest form. Hope.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Sexton Elementary
Yesterday when asked by my new youth pastor what my favorite part of Chicago was i thought about it and then said the South Side. Even as it was coming out of my mouth i realized how truly bazar that it. If i were home the answer would have been Alki, a favorite coffee shop, or something that was a place you could curl up and have some good convo and watch the rain... but my response was about some of most dirty, neglected, issolated, hopeless places here in Chicago...my favorite. Yes, i'm sure if i had more time i would get to find some really great places in the nicer parts of town that i could love but the South Side, hmmm. People living as though racism is still in action as it was when Martin Luther King Jr. was still alive. Gangs taking over, housing projects, racial profiling, and the disgusting list continues. Neglect. They've been shoved into a place where people can forget about them, where poverty is the only thing they know, where it's been passed down from generation to generation. Schools and situations that shouldn't even exist today because last time i checked we're living in 2010. I watched a drug deal happen across the street from the school i'm working at.... while pre- kindergarten kids were playing outside. Neglect. it makes me sick. Some of these kids won't even make it to 21 because they'll be shot in gang conflict. People neglected. People who are created by Jesus, in His likeness and yet people who were also created in His likeness have chosen to banish them from even a respectable life. They're called dirty. Trash. Forced into a lifestyle and making a choice to be proud of it, accepting it as a culture.
I miss the beautiful Northwest, the healthyness of it. Maybe it's just the people, the lifestyle. I don't know. It's weird to be so far away. so so far away. Life will continue, so much to come in the coming weeks. I love it here, the people, the ministries we work with, and my roomies...
I want to help, to make a dent in this incredible poverty but i have to remember that only Jesus.. only He is capable of overcoming generational curses of brokenness and poverty. Only He can conquer in the most destitute parts of Chicago. South Side watch out because the love of Jesus is going to get you. i believe it. i do.
So far now. we keep going. waking up and sleeping in belief that Jesus is going to do something. That He'll change our groups, He'll do something in our hearts, and expectant for Papa to love. love that's the biggest one. Oh screw it, i don't even care anymore about the talking. There are people who are bad off, there it is, and Jesus well. He knows what He's doing. I am looking forward to some time back in the Northwest. Some coffee to be drank. Shows to savor. All of it. but for now i look to this moment. My beautiful group and the sites we get to be a part of. mmmm Papa, so so grateful to be here. :)
Monday, March 8, 2010
Hippie Braids
Working for a few weeks straight now, had about an hour off on Sunday before i got my new group. Did another prayer tour that felt as though i was simply telling facts about the city. Trying to be pumped with this new group of kids. So the most recent struggle, :) my understanding of complete trust even on the things that i could do on autopilot but how much more amazing Jesus' words and plan is. The act of removing myself from the picture, putting aside desires, longing, stupid thoughts, erasing my pursuit of something that Nicole wants and simply saying i lay it all down, even though it's what i long for. A whole new level of surrender.
I miss music. Miss some people. Miss the atmosphere at a show, the people being lost in the beauty of it. I wonder if this is selfish. Was talking with one of my room mates about some of the projects on the south side and how they were being torn down yet there wasn't any thing good being built in its place. I got so angry... these people living in a horrible thing like the projects are now being pushed out of their homes or into continued crappy circumstances. Nothing is being done, these people, living out a cycle. waiting for their life to end, waiting to be the ones caught in cross fire, waiting to see the chances dwindle for their kid to make it to college and find a new life. One of my groups this weekend said that it's a third world country in our city limits. The sad thing? This statement bears an extreme amount of truth.
can i please just say, i absolutely love my roomies!!!!! holy crap, so many incredible moments of laughter. holy cow. i absolutely cherish them
I miss music. Miss some people. Miss the atmosphere at a show, the people being lost in the beauty of it. I wonder if this is selfish. Was talking with one of my room mates about some of the projects on the south side and how they were being torn down yet there wasn't any thing good being built in its place. I got so angry... these people living in a horrible thing like the projects are now being pushed out of their homes or into continued crappy circumstances. Nothing is being done, these people, living out a cycle. waiting for their life to end, waiting to be the ones caught in cross fire, waiting to see the chances dwindle for their kid to make it to college and find a new life. One of my groups this weekend said that it's a third world country in our city limits. The sad thing? This statement bears an extreme amount of truth.
can i please just say, i absolutely love my roomies!!!!! holy crap, so many incredible moments of laughter. holy cow. i absolutely cherish them
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Chicago's Grid System
Training week #2 almost over. First group hosted - done. Life flying and flying and flying.
Jesus, i love you. This place, these people are so broken. 50,000 members in the two most populus gangs alone. The police force stands at about 13,600 members. 98,000 people pass through the County Jail in one year. Racism is laced into it's history and although we're living in 2010 racisim continues to exist in many ways here. Back in the day Chicago had something called a housing contract. IF you were to buy a house they would make you sign a contract stating that at resale you would not sale to a black person, thus keeping the community segregated and forcing those of a different skin color into housing projects where gangs, drug problems, and poverty rose at an incredible rate.
Last weekend i had the honor of hosting my first group. They were crazy, sarcastic, and so in love with Jesus, so in love with His people. Watching how they came away from their conversations with the people of Chicago. Hearing them connect faces with the numbers they heard on the prayer tour. Men and women who live on the street, being ignored, neglected in every way except for maybe the one hot meal they get a day. Gosh i loved these kids, how they served even though they were exhausted, was def. honored to have them as my first group.
It's crazy to be here and working through things. Having said good- bye to a few people who meant so much to me i wasn't sure how i was going to feel. To process through not only that but now a new surrounding, new people, and new culture. Letting go of my pre- conceived ideas and desires to see in the midst of it the beautiful things that my Jesus is doing and orchestrating. I would not have had it any other way. Life here is in full swing and in the times when i do breathe i think about what it could be like to come home to seattle/olympia. to the people i adore, the culture that i cherish, music, great beautiful times. My Jesus quietly, gently quiets me, reminds me to live in the midst of the moments, the people He's brought around me... I don't want to just do average, to slip by staying stuck in the things that i know but i want to be learn, be stretched, grown, challenged in my heart's pullings, be challenged in my heart's compassion towards people. I feel like there's something that i'll be walking away with, so sort of crazy transformation... or not :)
Today is a new day, we're working all day and then serving at a soup kitchen and then more work. Letting go of what i thought or what i expect from my day and sitting back to watch Jesus work in and through, to see the people we encounter through His eyes. I feel like sometimes it's hard to do when you've got some many broken people. But that's the beauty of our Jesus, He sees EVERY ONE of us. every one.
Jesus, i love you. This place, these people are so broken. 50,000 members in the two most populus gangs alone. The police force stands at about 13,600 members. 98,000 people pass through the County Jail in one year. Racism is laced into it's history and although we're living in 2010 racisim continues to exist in many ways here. Back in the day Chicago had something called a housing contract. IF you were to buy a house they would make you sign a contract stating that at resale you would not sale to a black person, thus keeping the community segregated and forcing those of a different skin color into housing projects where gangs, drug problems, and poverty rose at an incredible rate.
Last weekend i had the honor of hosting my first group. They were crazy, sarcastic, and so in love with Jesus, so in love with His people. Watching how they came away from their conversations with the people of Chicago. Hearing them connect faces with the numbers they heard on the prayer tour. Men and women who live on the street, being ignored, neglected in every way except for maybe the one hot meal they get a day. Gosh i loved these kids, how they served even though they were exhausted, was def. honored to have them as my first group.
It's crazy to be here and working through things. Having said good- bye to a few people who meant so much to me i wasn't sure how i was going to feel. To process through not only that but now a new surrounding, new people, and new culture. Letting go of my pre- conceived ideas and desires to see in the midst of it the beautiful things that my Jesus is doing and orchestrating. I would not have had it any other way. Life here is in full swing and in the times when i do breathe i think about what it could be like to come home to seattle/olympia. to the people i adore, the culture that i cherish, music, great beautiful times. My Jesus quietly, gently quiets me, reminds me to live in the midst of the moments, the people He's brought around me... I don't want to just do average, to slip by staying stuck in the things that i know but i want to be learn, be stretched, grown, challenged in my heart's pullings, be challenged in my heart's compassion towards people. I feel like there's something that i'll be walking away with, so sort of crazy transformation... or not :)
Today is a new day, we're working all day and then serving at a soup kitchen and then more work. Letting go of what i thought or what i expect from my day and sitting back to watch Jesus work in and through, to see the people we encounter through His eyes. I feel like sometimes it's hard to do when you've got some many broken people. But that's the beauty of our Jesus, He sees EVERY ONE of us. every one.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Chicago
Chicago! holy cow the last few days have been crazy... crazy! So much info, so much life, so much to do and learn. The experiences, the emotions, how people function and live life in this city makes my head spin in the moment.
It's felt like a battle to keep the things that i've known were true, the quiet moments are filled with simply trying to keep the head above water, trying to sift through emotions, life. trying to let go of so many things that i left back in Seattle, people, music, life :) well you know what i mean... i know i'm being sappy. But it's crazy! being here with people i met for the first time and then am expected to dive into life with them. Something that i should love, and i do love but i do miss conversations or the option to jump in the car and go grab coffee :)
This place needs so much love. So much Jesus. I'm letting go. giving up my heart's desires, my cravings because somewhere in the deepest part of me i know this is right.... I love my Jesus... I don't know. Tonight, working through Prayer Tour things, giving directions, explaining, rehearsing, all of it is putting me on my face with Jesus. Forcing me to let me go of my strong grip. I wonder why i can't seem to let go, even though i know i let go. I remember standing there and Jesus asking me too...
OH good grief! i can't believe that i've even given it the time of day... Nicole get over yourself .
I'm here. Here for a reason and wouldn't have it any other way.
Learning how to adjust. :) with nothing else to hold onto expect my Papa. It's beautiful here, the people are a blessing, growing...Daddy. I love You.
thank you for chicago, for bringing me here, for the past memories, the late nights, music, life, laughing. I can't wait to see what is to come. :)
It's felt like a battle to keep the things that i've known were true, the quiet moments are filled with simply trying to keep the head above water, trying to sift through emotions, life. trying to let go of so many things that i left back in Seattle, people, music, life :) well you know what i mean... i know i'm being sappy. But it's crazy! being here with people i met for the first time and then am expected to dive into life with them. Something that i should love, and i do love but i do miss conversations or the option to jump in the car and go grab coffee :)
This place needs so much love. So much Jesus. I'm letting go. giving up my heart's desires, my cravings because somewhere in the deepest part of me i know this is right.... I love my Jesus... I don't know. Tonight, working through Prayer Tour things, giving directions, explaining, rehearsing, all of it is putting me on my face with Jesus. Forcing me to let me go of my strong grip. I wonder why i can't seem to let go, even though i know i let go. I remember standing there and Jesus asking me too...
OH good grief! i can't believe that i've even given it the time of day... Nicole get over yourself .
I'm here. Here for a reason and wouldn't have it any other way.
Learning how to adjust. :) with nothing else to hold onto expect my Papa. It's beautiful here, the people are a blessing, growing...Daddy. I love You.
thank you for chicago, for bringing me here, for the past memories, the late nights, music, life, laughing. I can't wait to see what is to come. :)
Monday, February 15, 2010
"I need you more than the air i breathe,
more than the song i sing,
more than the next heart beat."
Time spent in life with Jesus is more than most of my dreams could ever bring about. life with Him is divine, stretching, filled with extremes, and time where He is show in His beautiful greatness. Something significant comes from every second. every moment. every encounter. because there are no mishaps with Jesus, only presents to His precious children that some how run together to construct this crazy intertwined thing we call our lives.
I could try to wear so many hats, could rise into the stressed- driven- generic minded person i was or i could stay in the person who i am after months of shaping and stripping through the crap. His precious daughter who despite the overwhelming fear at times, knows in her heart's deepest part that Jesus loves her as His most prized possession. I'm weary, i'm tired, i love, i am loved, i'm cherished, i cherish, my heart's core is resting in His precious hands. The life of the past few months has been more than words can say. sacrifice. life. people. Jesus. more and more. all leads to the precious moments, seconds in time where nothing else matters except the conversation your having with your Papa.
I'm weak, i'm scared, i'm ready, excited in my heart's deepest core to know that next week i will find myself on a plane, just me and Jesus walking in every second. Jesus. What a sweet and precious name. I used to think that it was important to try to be something for someone, to allow them to encounter Jesus in and through you, to be up on the right music in order to relate, or be knowledgeable in the latest movement in the world of social justice but honestly all of it makes me sick in this second. To be so curled up in His arms is it. In that, my heart adores someone, cherishes a friendship more than i could tell you, i'm blessed and honored. Each conversation is new, each day is one that Jesus has planned out, rest, peace, sanity is lost, sanity is gained. The heart's battle is not won in the times where we pull ourselves together but Jesus' joy and victory comes when He sees us desperate fighting to be near to His heart, in the loss of sanity moments where we feel as though we're drowning He's marveling because we love Him enough, crave Him enough to scream and kick to not be sucked under.
Jesus.... mmmm Jesus. Tonight. Tonight i will rest in Your arms, not thinking about what's to come, not wondering or caring about when the next conversation will come, but knowing each second was a gift, a blessing, an honor and You Jesus are the Papa who loves me, who sat through it with me, who loves me.
more than the song i sing,
more than the next heart beat."
Time spent in life with Jesus is more than most of my dreams could ever bring about. life with Him is divine, stretching, filled with extremes, and time where He is show in His beautiful greatness. Something significant comes from every second. every moment. every encounter. because there are no mishaps with Jesus, only presents to His precious children that some how run together to construct this crazy intertwined thing we call our lives.
I could try to wear so many hats, could rise into the stressed- driven- generic minded person i was or i could stay in the person who i am after months of shaping and stripping through the crap. His precious daughter who despite the overwhelming fear at times, knows in her heart's deepest part that Jesus loves her as His most prized possession. I'm weary, i'm tired, i love, i am loved, i'm cherished, i cherish, my heart's core is resting in His precious hands. The life of the past few months has been more than words can say. sacrifice. life. people. Jesus. more and more. all leads to the precious moments, seconds in time where nothing else matters except the conversation your having with your Papa.
I'm weak, i'm scared, i'm ready, excited in my heart's deepest core to know that next week i will find myself on a plane, just me and Jesus walking in every second. Jesus. What a sweet and precious name. I used to think that it was important to try to be something for someone, to allow them to encounter Jesus in and through you, to be up on the right music in order to relate, or be knowledgeable in the latest movement in the world of social justice but honestly all of it makes me sick in this second. To be so curled up in His arms is it. In that, my heart adores someone, cherishes a friendship more than i could tell you, i'm blessed and honored. Each conversation is new, each day is one that Jesus has planned out, rest, peace, sanity is lost, sanity is gained. The heart's battle is not won in the times where we pull ourselves together but Jesus' joy and victory comes when He sees us desperate fighting to be near to His heart, in the loss of sanity moments where we feel as though we're drowning He's marveling because we love Him enough, crave Him enough to scream and kick to not be sucked under.
Jesus.... mmmm Jesus. Tonight. Tonight i will rest in Your arms, not thinking about what's to come, not wondering or caring about when the next conversation will come, but knowing each second was a gift, a blessing, an honor and You Jesus are the Papa who loves me, who sat through it with me, who loves me.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
... I love you...
I sat across from a girl today who recently found out she was pregnant. 18, raised herself and little her brother, wants to be a lawyer, has her tongue pierced, likes to drink frilly coffee drinks, and doesn't know what it's like to experience love in its purest form. Her heart has longed for something deeper than the mother who sees quality time spent with her child as buying a case of beer and allowing her 16 year old daughter to get drunk with her. Miss Mia, so scared and miserable yet still, STILL she fights. She'll raise this kid, go to school, manage a job, and fight with everything inside of her to keep from breaking and loosing the battle.
I've watched her admit to the truths about her abusive step - dad to a group of CPS workers. Told things about her mother; the incompetence, the beatings, the constant fear. Revealed the unbearable truths yet at the last minute she was willing to take them all back because she wanted to protect her mother, her biggest conern? How her mother would live without her help..... even after her mother was willing to say that if she had a choice she would take the abusive husband over Mia. Her own flesh and blood, a beautiful 16 year old girl, Her daughter...
I don't know that i've know more of a fighter than Mia. In the moments where a girl her age should be the weakest she is the strongest. No one but her to hold her up in the miserable moments. guy after guy she claimed it was true love, that this one was really going to be good to her, that he deserved to have mia in his arms at the end of night. Every one left her more unsatisfied than the next.
Now there's this man, kid, who is the father to this beautiful girl's baby. A child, when she needs a man, a man who's not going to hit her, who's going to love her, lead her, carry her.
Even after the ER, the talks with CPS, the calls to police to have her step dad arrested, hurtful word after hurtful word i've never felt Mia afraid, never felt her empty and scared yet today; today i felt this girl's fear so strong it could have taken over a nation. The words she said were strong, "i will raise this kid by myself if i have to so that this kid doesn't know the life i had." There was no working through an action plan, just fear today, letting her be 18 and scared. It's killing her inside, breaking her. Jesus, i know there's no pleading to happen, what's done is done and now the task at hand is standing by her and letting her cry. It seems as though she's standing out on a cliff holding up her world by herself.
my hands are tied. I love her. love her so much. tonight, may she rest in the blood of an everlasting Jesus.
I've watched her admit to the truths about her abusive step - dad to a group of CPS workers. Told things about her mother; the incompetence, the beatings, the constant fear. Revealed the unbearable truths yet at the last minute she was willing to take them all back because she wanted to protect her mother, her biggest conern? How her mother would live without her help..... even after her mother was willing to say that if she had a choice she would take the abusive husband over Mia. Her own flesh and blood, a beautiful 16 year old girl, Her daughter...
I don't know that i've know more of a fighter than Mia. In the moments where a girl her age should be the weakest she is the strongest. No one but her to hold her up in the miserable moments. guy after guy she claimed it was true love, that this one was really going to be good to her, that he deserved to have mia in his arms at the end of night. Every one left her more unsatisfied than the next.
Now there's this man, kid, who is the father to this beautiful girl's baby. A child, when she needs a man, a man who's not going to hit her, who's going to love her, lead her, carry her.
Even after the ER, the talks with CPS, the calls to police to have her step dad arrested, hurtful word after hurtful word i've never felt Mia afraid, never felt her empty and scared yet today; today i felt this girl's fear so strong it could have taken over a nation. The words she said were strong, "i will raise this kid by myself if i have to so that this kid doesn't know the life i had." There was no working through an action plan, just fear today, letting her be 18 and scared. It's killing her inside, breaking her. Jesus, i know there's no pleading to happen, what's done is done and now the task at hand is standing by her and letting her cry. It seems as though she's standing out on a cliff holding up her world by herself.
my hands are tied. I love her. love her so much. tonight, may she rest in the blood of an everlasting Jesus.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
*sigh*
as i sit here, enjoying morning coffee and toast i'm talking to Jesus about the last few months, the last year, and what's to come in the next 3 months, the leaving and coming back. Excited to see what happens and what incredibly heart shaping things will happen. Is it sad that i'm already thinking about how i will get to see people i love when i come home and how glorious that will be. How different we will all be even though it's only a few months.
Ok Jesus, here we go. a life so different, a place so new, and so far from the life i've been blessed to encounter in the last year. No looking back only right in the moment, consumed with what each second is going to hold. Sometimes i forget, sometimes i don't always listen the way i'm He's asking me to. I've been trying to write for the last 4 days and every time i sit down i want to write about the future or something about the past that I loved and learned from yet every time Jesus stops me in my tracks and reminds me about the moment. The one i'm living in right now, nothing to think about but what Jesus is doing right there. Talking to Him in that second and talking to Him about the right now. Holy crap i love Him. The future will handle itself, let Him carry you in His arms being the only one who you tell everything, the One you laugh and cry with. When you're craving conversation that lets your heart ignite, talk to Him.
17But the wisdom that is from above is first pure,
then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits
without partiality and without hypocrisy.18Now the
fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those
who make peace.
- James 3 :17 - 18 -
Ok Jesus, here we go. a life so different, a place so new, and so far from the life i've been blessed to encounter in the last year. No looking back only right in the moment, consumed with what each second is going to hold. Sometimes i forget, sometimes i don't always listen the way i'm He's asking me to. I've been trying to write for the last 4 days and every time i sit down i want to write about the future or something about the past that I loved and learned from yet every time Jesus stops me in my tracks and reminds me about the moment. The one i'm living in right now, nothing to think about but what Jesus is doing right there. Talking to Him in that second and talking to Him about the right now. Holy crap i love Him. The future will handle itself, let Him carry you in His arms being the only one who you tell everything, the One you laugh and cry with. When you're craving conversation that lets your heart ignite, talk to Him.
17But the wisdom that is from above is first pure,
then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits
without partiality and without hypocrisy.18Now the
fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those
who make peace.
- James 3 :17 - 18 -
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Rainy City
So much changing. Yet, not really at all. Something so prepared and ready for yet i sometimes question my readiness. Perfect beautiful plan Jesus. I can't see forward and the yesterdays become distant. Holding onto what i can in the midst of this wind. I know though that to let it go is what will bring You're blessing and beauty Jesus. I love this season, people, life, music, conversations. Who knows what tomorrow holds, eh, who cares.
The beauty of today. Every part is as though someone is holding up a water saturated cloth to a parched sick man's lips. Allowing them to feel it's refreshment, to savor that moment. I love this little city, the people who live in the pits of it, to stand back and let those younger rise up, to be a tree that watches those with such a bit of faith to bring incredible change and true indescribable love that will pierce and Jesus saturate the most horrible demon.
I need to work on clearing through things, but the last thing i want to do is get ready. I want to run away, to a place where time stops and life is held in the beautiful hand of Jesus. Where even for a few hours, you encounter Him in the quiet moments, the conversations that ignite the deep part of your heart, the diner coffee that is so bad but so good. To be with people, living life, watching time drift away. I've been blessed to know that time, to have seen it, tasted it, savored it, and now... well soon something new will come, but for now. Jesus i'm going to savor every last drop of being here... every last drop. I'm so grateful, honored, blessed, loved to call this life. All of it, this moment and the next breath, i don't think i can adequately put into words how much i savor it. wrapped up in it like a cozy blanket. Thank you Jesus for it, mmm thank you for it.
Papa, I love you.
The beauty of today. Every part is as though someone is holding up a water saturated cloth to a parched sick man's lips. Allowing them to feel it's refreshment, to savor that moment. I love this little city, the people who live in the pits of it, to stand back and let those younger rise up, to be a tree that watches those with such a bit of faith to bring incredible change and true indescribable love that will pierce and Jesus saturate the most horrible demon.
I need to work on clearing through things, but the last thing i want to do is get ready. I want to run away, to a place where time stops and life is held in the beautiful hand of Jesus. Where even for a few hours, you encounter Him in the quiet moments, the conversations that ignite the deep part of your heart, the diner coffee that is so bad but so good. To be with people, living life, watching time drift away. I've been blessed to know that time, to have seen it, tasted it, savored it, and now... well soon something new will come, but for now. Jesus i'm going to savor every last drop of being here... every last drop. I'm so grateful, honored, blessed, loved to call this life. All of it, this moment and the next breath, i don't think i can adequately put into words how much i savor it. wrapped up in it like a cozy blanket. Thank you Jesus for it, mmm thank you for it.
Papa, I love you.
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