a gentle lesson learned

Surrender is such a difficult concept for us sometimes.

We kick and scream.

Tell Him that we can do it by ourselves and then by the end of it we're so frustrated we think that He is the problem, not us.

Surrender in it's rawest form it beautiful, You let go of every ounce of yourself. Holding nothing back.

I'm blessed and humbled by His persistent knocking....

None of it matters, the clothes, the things of this world that seem to consume us. What we look like, how we act. What our bank accounts will look like 10 years from now. All of it is good. wise to some extent but honestly is that all there is to life? Now i'm not saying be stupid with our money and your decisions but really... it's not our own. It's HIS... all of it, even the great things about our personality. yup, those are HIS...

now the important thing is to trust Him, that because of your complete submission and trust in Him, He's going to take care of you like you could never have imagined. He's going to carry you through the hard times. He's going to be the husband, best friend, lover, buddy, daddy and so much more.

it all comes back to that little thing called submission......

i could watch this over and over and over again...

History was made.....

Love revealed....

Hearts ignited...

Revival started..

God is GOOD!!!!!!!!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ophNqQTb5I8

Where's Your Heart???

As i was boarding my flight to come home i received a text from my boss telling me to check my voice mail... so i did what every good assistant does, i turned off my phone :).... for some bazaar reason i cried for the first half hour of the stupid flight then fell asleep for the rest of it, God's blessing i believe. Getting off the plane in Seattle i talk with my boss who told me the voicemail said for me to change my flight and stay in Oakland a day or so more.... perfect. for someone who didn't want to leave i was awfully angry and frustrated to come home. from the minute i set foot in the Oakland airport i had shut off any listening ears to what God might be saying, or for the most part anyways. i was trying to be open, trying to have a good attitude about the place He's called me to. I had been dealing with work related phone calls all weekend and was stressed to come back to the place that had seemed to hit so many bumps. I didn't want anything to do with these crazy kids, kids who take and take and never listen, they're going to make their own choices.....i was annoyed by the boss i serve. i want to be in a place where people really want to be helped. want to go somewhere new, somewhere unknown. Want to fight for, love, be a living display of God's love an forgiveness to the world.... talked with a guy who is going to go throughout the world, being God's hands an feet by simply submitting and letting go, by being faithful and purposeful in his conversations. A guy who has a heart overflowing with gratitude of how God has loved him and become his everything and is making that known, the beauty of what God has done and is doing is pouring out of him... it's beautiful. haha nothing compares....I had the opportunity to spend amazing time with a beautiful lady who has been through so much, been so faithful to what God has called her to and in a few weeks will be reaping the rewards of her faithfulness. She will be married and serving with the love of her life, she sacrificed because she knew the place God has called her to. In a few days she will be leaving that place and joining us in Washington a completely different, new, transformed, sharpened woman of God. She knows His faithfulness, His promises are true, she has gained confidence, reassurance, hope, authority in who He created her to be. She is a vessel that is sharper and stronger because she submitted, said "Jesus, i want to give you my life, i will do what you say, no matte how hard it may seem." I admire her for it. am in awe of her and what He is doing in her.... ahh it makes my heart leap.
We are people who are called by His name to do His work. We are not our own, by submitting our lives we are letting go of every detail of our life and letting Jesus take the lead. There are different levels of giving over control. I was so frustrated to come back, had such a horrible attitude. Even when i took in one of my students because of the weather, my heart was wrong. i was bitter the whole way, could feel the weight that brought. It's stupid, this battle in my heart to tell God what i want to do. haha i want to do missions, and apparently because i know what i want to do, i am going to tell Him..... yea... we all know how that worked out :)
Then on top of it i wasn't able to slam right back into the insane routine that i hold here, the snow cramped that... soo i have all of this wonderful time on my hands and i'm fighting with God... perfect...
Why does something so simple have to be so frustrating!?!? this is stupid, i know what He's called me to, know that it means living in complete submission, know that i am not done here yet. i am allowing the air around me to tell me what i should be feeling... the YC 's possible closure is only going to happen if we give up, and i'm not ready to do that...
I think that it's the mixture of everything: being able to go to a new place, spending time meeting people, good conversations, rough situations, freeing conversations, something stirring deep inside, a place where there's difference, confidence... the list goes on... Someone wise said to me tonight that God is wanting me to slow down.... listen quietly... step back from what i'm trying to do so that He can have me all to Himself, so that we can just talk.... I'm laying everything on the line, i'm setting free the crap that i'm trying desperately to hold onto. i am an open vessel.
a child in her Father's arms.

quiet.

submitted.

stepping back to hear Him, let Him carry me through every door and opportunity.

a little advise... don't attempt to run into the future that He's prepared for you without letting Him carry you through it... there's nothing but frustration and a tug on your hear that brings you desperate to your knees... Follow the truth, the heart, the passion, the organic, raw Love of the Living God. It never fails, never leaves, never abandons... HE's there, begging to be our breath, the one we go to sleep talking to and wake up expectant of a conversation with Him in the morning. Stop loosing perspective of what He has in store for you.
Rejoice in it!

It's great to marvel at Him, to laugh at the beautiful things that He does inside of you.haha, it's freeing! It's beautiful!!! ahhh, the freedom, i love it, can't describe it!
thank you Lord, for always being true, always loving me despite my stubbornness... my heart is Yours.
Every part.
Every ounce.

Set Free.
Redeemed.
Unashamed.
Cared For.
Cherished.
Lovingly reprimanded.

In a relationship with the love of her life :) Madly, madly in love.... You are precious to me dear one.... thank you for your love, for always being my everything.

eyes

It's amazing what getting out of your element, being in a completely new place, where no one knows you. everything new. will do for your sanity. it makes you want to loose yourself in this world. never go back to the place where pain is overwhelming, where hope seems to be distant. Everything is suddenly put into perspective when you get out of our element and run to a place where we can find hope in Him. A place where an alcoholic says "God changed my life, i can't explain it but i'm different and i'm madly in love with Him" It's cool to sit over a cup of coffee and talk about life, to talk about who God is, His amazing, extravagant love that is never failing. Love the look in their eyes, to sit and see the complete difference, the transformation that goes deeper than any quick fix. It's extrodinary. To be able to sit accross from that person and have words come out of your mouth like you've never experienced before, to speak with an authority that is startling to you. Thank you Lord for that moment tonight, for that place where i was able to speak Your heart to someone who really cares to see Your heart conveyed. Thank you Lord for that opportunity. You are great and beautiful. I love being able to be in Your presense and work for you...

"just one more hit"

How many times are they going to run back to the things that constantly hurt them? How many times are they going to say " i wanted to escape reality." They're so much better than that. They deserve the world but the world has hurt them, told them that they don't deserve anything and that the lowest they could get is the highest they are ever going to achieve. F*** u society. They are beautiful, sometimes you have to dig harder to find the beauty but it's there.... waiting to be draw to the surface so others can see and marvel. They give up their rights, give up who they are to help other, bend over backwards to make life easier for everyone else. They don't understand that they need to worry about themselves for once. And just when you think that they've finally got it, when you think that you've finally had a win, they relapse, and it seems as though everything that you've worked for, every little win is shot out the door. I know that's not true and that all of those conversations and wins have all made a lasting impact and that there really is change going on inside of them... I just want the best for them... want them to see their true beauty. they beauty that was created by a Daddy in Heaven who looks at them and doesn't see dirty, broken, raw girls but a Daddy who sees beautiful, flowers in bloom, perfectly created with gifts and passions. and then there's the devil, feeding them the lies that they don't need to hear... sometimes it makes me want to completely give up. to be completely done. But then Jesus shows me how much He smiles on them, how He marvels at the little things that they do, How much it breaks His heart to see them cut themselves because they're so broken. Jesus, how do we do what we're called to and make a difference in their lives? Pour into them, teach them, cover them, consume them. They are desperate, craving for something real and new, marvelous, something completely consuming. Something that will come out in a way that only they can understand, an experience with their Creator that is so new and uniquely crafted for them, a experience that radically shakes everything that they've ever thought. A experience that shows them, displays relevantly the true, pure, organic love of God.
He's marvelous, wonderful, majestic. There's nothing like Him, nothing like getting to spend time in fellowship with our Creator, the one who knew me before i was even thought of by my family. He is the one who is always there, never ever leaves me, never deserts me, places His hand on me, reprimands me lightly, sometimes strongly :), holds me in His arms when i'm hurting, His is my best friend, my Father, my lover, my provider, He's my everything.... thank you Lord for allowing me to be Your child. You are beautiful. Please touch our kids... touch them in a new way that they have never ever experienced before... I'm believing that You are going to do things that we never could have imagined in us as leaders and in our students. thank you in advance for the things that you are stiring and the things that you are going to bring about....
Love You!

a conversation

why do we do it day in and day out? why do we force ourselves out of bed to go meet a high school student and talk about the future, talk about life? Why do we sit through endless conversations about running away, drugs, school, etc.? I've been wondering this lately... wondering why we are constantly investing to just to see them back in the same situation as before. Yes, maybe this time it wasn't as bad but none the less. I wonder what i should do with a 14 year old who doesn't know Jesus, don't realize that there's a hope out there bigger than she could ever imagine, a scared little girl who is attempting to silently say "screw you" to the world and her family. or what action should be taken with a girl who is just starting life and can't seem to realize that she's absolutely beautiful, has so much to offer the world, she doesn't know her worth... at all.... She is a product of her surroundings. I feel as though all we do is churn out solutions, they respond well with intention to follow through and the next thing i hear is that they are in some sort of trouble... perfect. i wonder why we put ourselves in that place. why i even keep trying to find solutions. And then i read something where they did have a success. Where kids who were in trouble found a way out becacuse someone chose to love and invest in them. All of the maybes are worth it for the "one " that makes it out. You never know if the conversation you are having could change someone's life... ahh man, i will work on this. it will be hard, but we will figure it out. I just need to stop caring so much about it and enjoy it, enjoy the blessings that come from serving Him, the joy that comes from being a part of their life... I love them...

fraustration

What makes us attracted to someone? what brings us to a place where we feel as though we need that special someone next to us, around us? Why is it that when we get to a place where nothing else matters but being close to your Saviour, the one who is in you and through you and your complete Everything. someone says something and you suddenly can't get him off of your mind. And your thinking behind it isn't completely because you want to talk to him or care about him but it's because your so annoyed that He's there that you want everything to just go away, You want it to just be you and Jesus. I mean come on :) everything was working just fine, we were actually doing pretty great, I didn't want anything but just to be His hands and feet. He's my best friend, my everything and honestly i didn't want anything to come into my life and mess that up. I don't want a distraction, don't want anything to come between what God is doing. Ugh, i don't even want my mind to think about it. It honestly makes me laugh, because i get so fraustrated at the thought of anything happening, even just talking... the person that i enjoyed talking with i suddenly don't want anything to do with.. oh jeez....I'm done, i don't even care... i really honestly don't want to be like this... but i don't want it... i just want to be with Jesus every second and not miss anything that He has... any little bit with Him. I want to see His smile and heart in things... i suppose that nothing would change.
eh, who knows... whatever... i'm going to keep living the way i am, not giving a crap about any of this relationship stuff but knowing that in it's right timing God will bring it along... and i'm not going to worry about any conversation or any time that we spend togther... we are just friends and he's not a threat to what God's doing... and he's a pretty great friend...
if ya think about it, could you please pray that i keep my sanity?
Daddy, i love you.... more than words can say...

So Many Stories

They're amazing, everyone of them. Yes, they have their moments but all they need is some love, some support. I wish you could see the things they go through to survive a day. Wish you could see the constant struggle. They live under bridges and in completely broken homes. They don't know pure love, they don't see hope in tomorrow, no way out of the dark tunnel. No matter their age, they take care of themselves, no one to help them in anything . Living a life of drugs, sex, and emptiness. Where our society see dirty, obnoxious, worthless youth we get to see the other side. Be part of the little pieces of progress: staying sober, getting a job, or even just learning to respect. haha, it's amazing, absolutely exciting when you get the chance to be part of it. when you get the hug at the end of the night and you know somewhere deep down inside something's starting to change. they're beautiful, crazy, annoying at times but some of the coolest kids i've met. They want to become lawyer, teen councelors, and parents who can provide for their families. Each of them are up against the waves of the world to accomplish their goals. Ahh man, i want to give them the world. want to show them the love of Jesus. the love that they deserve, the raw, organic, overwhelming love of a daddy in heaven who cares the world about them. It makes me sick to watch them be hurt and neglected. i hate knowing that last week 3 of them went home to a parentless house because mom was in centralia, each of them under the age of 16. I want to see them become teachers, councelors, and successful parents.
When Mia left i thought i was going to hold it togther better. I'm so thankful that the door was opened for her to be taken from the abusive home, away from parents who called her things that no girl should her about herself, and a dad who beats her just because.. So grateful for the amazing opportunity it was to be there for her and the continued converstaions with her. I love her. yup, thinking of her story and the survivor that she is shakes my heart.
I love each of them, in every moment, every goofy thing(ahh yes, even when kyle comes in dressed as a fairy) :) Daddy, thank you for blessing me by putting these kids in my life. ahh, i can't say thank you enough. Protect them tonight, cover them with the shadow of Your hand.

the stand

i don't get it.. don't understand it. why the freaking f? Jesus, i love you. i'm here to do your work and i will not back down, will not let the lies of the enemy come after me and really hurt me. you are number one, you are everything... i'm sorry for my anger and rage tonight. Please forgive. help me to display your hope and your future.... i hate that i can be so freaking selfish sometimes, that in this midst of all this pain, i wish that there was someone i could curl up in his arms and everything would be ok, even just for a little bit... i hate that i'm selfish enough to long for this knowing my kids pain and the lack of anything like this in their life. So freaking sick of everything, of parents who don't give a crap about their kids, sick of kids who are hurting and thinking about commiting suicide by the time their 30. it shouldn't be like this... Freaking satan. how could you possibly find satisfaction from hurting beautiful people, how could it possibly make you happy to lead a beautiful 15 year old to cut herself because the pain has become to much. why the hell would you wisper lies in their ears that destory them? F you. I'm not willing to watch this anymore. not willing to just settle, Jesus Christ is going to conquer and defeat. i know it seems completely hopeless right now, but there is hope in even the little conversations or hugs.. i'm willing to make the sacrifice, willing to fight with everything that i have left inside of me.... Jesus, you are going to prevail! you are going to be on top.... we love you and we are your vessels.. show us where you want us to go. lead us... thank you for the amazing things that you've already done and are continuing to do in every little breath.
i love you.

ramblings

Today in the midst of looking for resources to help my students struggling with family i got distracted on the TWLOHA website, which quickly led me to their videos on youtube. Watching Renee talk about her story, the people that took her in and loved her for 5 days, those 5 days made a life changing impact on her life. Someone was willing to stop what they were doing to love her, really truly love her. No strings attached. It made me think of our kids at the YC, their stories of being addicted to heroine and prostituting herself out to have money to buy her drug. Another one whos arms are covered in scars because she cuts herself to run from the pain of abandonment and rejection. These kids are desperate for Love. Pure, Beautiful, Genuine, Extravagant LOVE....
I want to see them suceed. Who are we? what are we doing to go out of our way to see others taken care of and loved? not out of guilt or duty but because we want to love others as Jesus has loved us...... ahhh His love is so great... sooo soo great. i want to go scream it from the mountain tops. want to jump up and down because He's so extravagant and beautiful. These kids are a part of his heartbeat. are His dreams, are whao He sees at the battle line for our generation. He's created each one for a purpose, we're there to help them, to be His love in physical form...

tonight was so different. people asking who i liked. Not something that I'm used to. it seems as though everyone around me are falling pretty hard for some great guys. Honestly, i could not be happier to see them blessed and happy. they deserve it, more than anything. i know that some day God will bring that right person into my life. honestly, i will admit that it can be hard, yea... I serve a great God, a God and daddy who is more to me than than anything in this world. and He is all that i need. Some day i will meet him and it will be wonderful, but for now, i'm blessed and loving being in love with my Jesus.
Things in our world are so crazy right now. between our election and the economy everyone is panicking. It's funny, i've never been so comfortable, so secure in the fact that God has us right where He wants us. this sense and promise that He will never ever leave us. all of this is about nothing more than being completely, madly, passionately in love with our creator. AHHH what an amazing place, a place where it's just you and Him. Where you crave His presence. people are saying, "what if we all have to move into togther, what if the food runs out" things of a scared people. but honestly, those situations are nothing but perfect. we could live togther in a community of people, worshiping and loving Jesus. could you imagine? He is the God of love, of beauty and extravagance... He's craving to be our everything in an intimate way, a way that we can't even describe. something is changing in our hearts, in our midst. He's real, He's here and all He's wanting is for us to be real with Him, to be honest and just, to love Him nothing more. Bring it all on, i've got my daddy on my side. it's all going to be more amazing, exciting, and ok than ever imaginable.
Bring it on :) Daddy, be our provision.

morning revelations

so, i've tried to write this 2 times and nothing seems to be real an geniune enough. Here's the jist. Our God is more extravagant, all knowing, and loving than i could have ever imagined. He's my best friend, my everything and i want to proclaim it to the world. He brings a smile to my face and laughter to my heart like no other. Nothing satisfies like Him. I had coffee with a good friend this monring who is struggling with what she is going to do for the rest of her life. She's not satisfied, not settled, just searching. It was very weird to be on the other end of things, to know that God's got me in ministry for the rest of my life, to be so set on that. There was a warmth in my heart because of what He's done inside of me, the crazy transformation. She's got something in store, a crazy, free life. She's just not ready to let go. She will :) she'll see His beauty like never before, i'm so excited and waiting for the moment He catches her in the quiet secret place. He's pretty great like that :)
We were talking about revival and the things that are stiring in the air. Ahh! His color that He's spreading throughout our county is undescribable. He's great, He alive and flowing inside of us. Every little thing effects someone we encounter. His love is more near and overflowing than we could ever imagine. The air is different, there's a new standard set. Be ready, Be real. Who are we to say that God needs to be in a box, that He needs to just be in a church service? I am believing that people will begin to question and in the streets of our cities people will be begin to be saved. They will meet their Creator, His extravagant love, His truth. the sweet sweet presence of Jesus Christ. It will be as honey their hearts and lips. Some are quiet and have no idea what is coming, others are expectant, bracing, ready to run the race to our hearts fullest. Who are we? we are God's people called to do the will of His heart, to live a life that is pure in every aspect, a life so ignighted by His extravagant, sweet love that nothing can touch us. We will have our bad days, days where we feel as though we've been over by a truck, but Jesus Christ will prevail. He will conquer every pitful lie of the freaking enemy and will destroy his very being. We serve a great big God. haha He's great. mighty yet so tender and sweet. who are we to say God work now and only now? Let Him flow, He's coming in full force, His great love is very near for our generation. Are you ready to ignight and through Him set on fire a generation and nation for the kingdom of God?
The first step, let yourself fall in love with Him, really fall in love with Him and His great extravagance. Let your heart fall for Him like never before. He's your everything. He LOVES YOU.

So, this blog was intended to talk about my kids at the YC but i just finished a conversation with a gentleman in a coffee shop. He questioned that God even existed and if i was living a lie, what disappointment that would hold. my initial response was " how dare you question if my best friend, my Saviour even exists" (although i did not respond this way) i began to pray under my breath for him. This man (we'll call him Jim) said that if you're not living a life in fear then you're not moving fast enough. Jim also talked about how living a life for something you can not see means that you are letting go of any respect you have for yourself, that you are no longer making your own decisions. He mentioned that he could not fathom a life like that. Everything inside of me wanted him to grasp the greatness of the love of God. We talked about how he viewed life, Jim felt as though he had to make every decision for himself and that he was in control of how life went. He had it right eh? He is in control, it's the letting go of that control that is the hard stuff. Ahhh man, I've talked with people about the love of God, how He transforms, but i haven't had an opportunity since He did something radical inside of me :) As he questioned if God is real, i felt a hit to my heart like never before. How could someone say that my best friend, the one who died on the cross for my sins, gave everything up, died so that i could.... How could someonene question His existence? I did something bold, maybe it was out of fraustration, but after Jim challenged me to look inside of myself and really question if God is real, i stopped him and told him "i can look you in the eye and without a doubt in my mind, heart , and soul i know and believe that there is a God, that he is real and true and alive inside of me, there is no question of who He is or if He lives" i said it in complete love of course :) I don't think that Jim had ever heard someone say that with confidence. By the end of the conversation he said "maybe, God brought you to me to help change my mind and get me thinking and questioning if there is a God"
All of this is to encourage. We each have a mounth, even if all we do is say "God is love" and that is our description of Him, that has the capability to radically change lives. We may not change everyone's mind or heart, that's not our job. But what kindov people would we be if we didn't share the Amazing and Extravagant love of our Saviour? Say it as you're walking down the street, say it under your breath as you are walking through the halls of your highschool. "God is Love".... By doing this you are bringing Him into our world, speaking against the willes and lies of the enemy. Even simply uttering it under your breath. God is love and love is very near.... ahhh, no words can describe my excitement to what my daddy is doing in our generation, we don't have time to say "tomorrow Jesus, i'll make the choice to live for you" step back, let him take control, and marvel at His extravagant love and works, it's full of vibrant colors, His Spirit is here and it's inside of every one of us. Let it flow wherever you go :) Be His. Be set free. Be love to a dying generation.