Where's Your Heart???

As i was boarding my flight to come home i received a text from my boss telling me to check my voice mail... so i did what every good assistant does, i turned off my phone :).... for some bazaar reason i cried for the first half hour of the stupid flight then fell asleep for the rest of it, God's blessing i believe. Getting off the plane in Seattle i talk with my boss who told me the voicemail said for me to change my flight and stay in Oakland a day or so more.... perfect. for someone who didn't want to leave i was awfully angry and frustrated to come home. from the minute i set foot in the Oakland airport i had shut off any listening ears to what God might be saying, or for the most part anyways. i was trying to be open, trying to have a good attitude about the place He's called me to. I had been dealing with work related phone calls all weekend and was stressed to come back to the place that had seemed to hit so many bumps. I didn't want anything to do with these crazy kids, kids who take and take and never listen, they're going to make their own choices.....i was annoyed by the boss i serve. i want to be in a place where people really want to be helped. want to go somewhere new, somewhere unknown. Want to fight for, love, be a living display of God's love an forgiveness to the world.... talked with a guy who is going to go throughout the world, being God's hands an feet by simply submitting and letting go, by being faithful and purposeful in his conversations. A guy who has a heart overflowing with gratitude of how God has loved him and become his everything and is making that known, the beauty of what God has done and is doing is pouring out of him... it's beautiful. haha nothing compares....I had the opportunity to spend amazing time with a beautiful lady who has been through so much, been so faithful to what God has called her to and in a few weeks will be reaping the rewards of her faithfulness. She will be married and serving with the love of her life, she sacrificed because she knew the place God has called her to. In a few days she will be leaving that place and joining us in Washington a completely different, new, transformed, sharpened woman of God. She knows His faithfulness, His promises are true, she has gained confidence, reassurance, hope, authority in who He created her to be. She is a vessel that is sharper and stronger because she submitted, said "Jesus, i want to give you my life, i will do what you say, no matte how hard it may seem." I admire her for it. am in awe of her and what He is doing in her.... ahh it makes my heart leap.
We are people who are called by His name to do His work. We are not our own, by submitting our lives we are letting go of every detail of our life and letting Jesus take the lead. There are different levels of giving over control. I was so frustrated to come back, had such a horrible attitude. Even when i took in one of my students because of the weather, my heart was wrong. i was bitter the whole way, could feel the weight that brought. It's stupid, this battle in my heart to tell God what i want to do. haha i want to do missions, and apparently because i know what i want to do, i am going to tell Him..... yea... we all know how that worked out :)
Then on top of it i wasn't able to slam right back into the insane routine that i hold here, the snow cramped that... soo i have all of this wonderful time on my hands and i'm fighting with God... perfect...
Why does something so simple have to be so frustrating!?!? this is stupid, i know what He's called me to, know that it means living in complete submission, know that i am not done here yet. i am allowing the air around me to tell me what i should be feeling... the YC 's possible closure is only going to happen if we give up, and i'm not ready to do that...
I think that it's the mixture of everything: being able to go to a new place, spending time meeting people, good conversations, rough situations, freeing conversations, something stirring deep inside, a place where there's difference, confidence... the list goes on... Someone wise said to me tonight that God is wanting me to slow down.... listen quietly... step back from what i'm trying to do so that He can have me all to Himself, so that we can just talk.... I'm laying everything on the line, i'm setting free the crap that i'm trying desperately to hold onto. i am an open vessel.
a child in her Father's arms.

quiet.

submitted.

stepping back to hear Him, let Him carry me through every door and opportunity.

a little advise... don't attempt to run into the future that He's prepared for you without letting Him carry you through it... there's nothing but frustration and a tug on your hear that brings you desperate to your knees... Follow the truth, the heart, the passion, the organic, raw Love of the Living God. It never fails, never leaves, never abandons... HE's there, begging to be our breath, the one we go to sleep talking to and wake up expectant of a conversation with Him in the morning. Stop loosing perspective of what He has in store for you.
Rejoice in it!

It's great to marvel at Him, to laugh at the beautiful things that He does inside of you.haha, it's freeing! It's beautiful!!! ahhh, the freedom, i love it, can't describe it!
thank you Lord, for always being true, always loving me despite my stubbornness... my heart is Yours.
Every part.
Every ounce.

Set Free.
Redeemed.
Unashamed.
Cared For.
Cherished.
Lovingly reprimanded.

In a relationship with the love of her life :) Madly, madly in love.... You are precious to me dear one.... thank you for your love, for always being my everything.