3am and i'm still awake. Wishing that sleep was somewhere in the near future but for some reason i feel as though that's the last thing to happen tonight.
3 days ago i thought for sure i knew exactly what Jesus had in store. was settled to some degree in my heart on the things and plans. The band, the music, the people. Still in my core there was a desperate longing and unsettledness about the plans and the lack of being with people, opportunities to really live life with and see Him in each person's eyes. I can't place what makes me feel the lack of these moments or lifestyle. It seems as though it's become not about everyone else anymore and only about me. this, ugh this is something that makes me want to rip my insides out and get so lost within a city where no one knows me and.., yet where no one knows me doesn't seem to satisfy either. Poop. I feel so selfish with music or where we're at least. Could be my own issue but honestly i am someone who is created, designed to work with people. to love them and be there for them in the midst of it all. I know this band is so much more than just the music because of the conversations we've had. and the ways i believe that Jesus is directing it but somewhere inside of me something longs for more... I know it's right but why when an opportunity to do what i begged Jesus for, for so longs comes along i can't decided which state of longing and unsatifaction, distance from the presence of Jesus i want to live in for the next 4 months. I feel so far from my dear Papa. I don't want to choose one or the other because i feel as though that will suddenly draw me closer to Jesus because my heart longs for people, i want to be where He places no matter how hard, how heart stretching, and how purely selfish it looks. He has something in store. i know this. I want to be romanced by Him again, day to day seems so dry. This city, the one i love, the one i have no control over anymore, the one where memories are fading quickly, this city feels right yet soo soo suffocating. As though if i flew away to a place bigger, where 4 months ago plans where so right i would find a Jesus saturated life yet again. Not to say this current state is not saturated, it is. it's just different. the constant spinning record of lies that the devil is spitting out has grown and some times i can't even begin to hear the things of Jesus because these lies take so much. The feeling of, yes feeling of music, Jesus in the midst of that, the people has become so so corporate, no longer about what one truly enjoys or savors, or where Jesus says to go but so much about what's in and what's stirring some sort of crazy music, creative tapping emotion inside of us. I want to pick option number two simply so that i can find myself again, feel as though i'm hidden from the corporate consuming fire of this. I don't know where the other is at, what her heart feels but this friends and lovers is not what i, ha, me again. shit. All about ideals, what it's supposed to look like, what makes sense, what others will think. What's happened to the girl who didn't give a crap about what the world looked at her as? because 3 or even 4 months ago this girl was ready to pick up and move to goodness knows where because giving everything up in honor and to serve her Jesus was all i wanted. Nothing more, i was not demanding things, simply to live, every second of every moment with Papa. Jesus. the one who saturated me in the beauty of who He is. Frick, I have become the girl who tries to get the guy, the one who goes out of her way to show who she is and then in the midst of that finds that she's lost herself completely at which point the devil has a wonderful hay day. and the cycle continues...
Now, things are clear, almost, so fragile. I think about a person, a show, and the expectation i place on those things, to do what society calls as normal, to meet ideals, play the game career and socially wise if you will... and all i want is to run from it yet something in my core holds on to this hope that our societies ideals has placed inside... all of the what if's. How are we living our lives? constantly consumed by this?
I'm not going to make a publicised threat to the devil here but Papa, you know. Jesus you are stronger and greater than whatever these lies have become. You are sovereign, clearer, stronger, Life, breathed, beauty, hope. Screw it to say that you must find what Jesus has called you to do and then walk in it, screw it to say that life must be set in one path and one motion or that conversations of one's thoughts and hearts strings must concentrate in one place around certain things. Because, If, IF you choose to let it all hang out, throw all your baggage, shit, brokenness, life experiences, words, conversations. all of it on the table and let Jesus curl you up in His arms, like a princess or prince then the world fades away, it's ideals, it's pressures. They still try to scratch yet Jesus is the father who does not come to make your life choices ones of turmoil but ones of joy to discuss with Him and only Him. Even those of physical attraction because honestly He's created us to live as one, with that person who He's purposed. All of it. life. words spoken. written. notes. music. life. people. streets. prostitutes. homeless. runaway. all of it is HIS. maybe not all at once but at one point or another because of the choices you make to be with or without HIM, all of it, them will encounter Jesus at one point or another. and that point could be the crossroads that changes a life, yours or another for forever.